We are down to the final quarter before we leave on our cross country bicycle trip. From nearly two years ago, when we decided it was time for a major change in our life, until today, there has a been a flurry of activity to get ready. When we were younger, leaving on one of these trips was a much simpler task. We would save our money, end whatever marginal job we had, get rid of or store our meager possessions, then start.
Our first major trip, around the British Isles, was a lark by comparison to massive heaven and earth realignment we have had to do for this trip. Comparison:
1983: We were staying in a furnished apartment provided for us by the University of Reading while I was on a Fulbright Fellowship. We had a box of books, and two backpacks of clothes, and a basic camping set-up from our hitchhike across the country before going to Europe. We owed no money and had no obligations after my fellowship ended. We bought our bikes from a second hand dealer and crudely fashioned panniers out of cast off bags.
2013: We have a historic house, two cats, an autistic dog, a cabin in Wyoming, full time employment as a teacher, run a busy but always financially challenged community based theatre, have debt on the cabin, debt on a car, a whole raft of bills and obligations. We are modern Americans, up to our eyeballs in stress, work, and complicated relationships.
But we also know that this web is killing us. We want a different way to be in the world as we enter the third third of our lives. Teaching, long Wes' joy and passion, has become untenable in the face of 40 student classrooms, more than 200 students a day, 3 high stakes tests a year, and the constant drumbeat of blaming teachers. It is clear that Wes' pension is daily growing more unstable. Already there are taxes and fees and reductions of benefits that were not there just a few years ago. It is time to step away from 4:00 am mornings and 12 hour days, and the weekends of grading papers. It is well past time of always being exhausted, of having no time or energy for anything else--for friendship, for recreation, for restorative time spent in nature. Wes is carrying around a big belly that distresses him, but stress still drives him to seek solace in food.
I am worn out from the constant worry and burden of Matrix. It has been my dream and my deepest passion, but after so many years of "spinning straw into gold", I just want time to pay attention to myself. Instead of always facilitating the creativity of others, I would like to facilitate my own creativity. I really want to invest in relationships in a way that I have not been able. The first relationship that needs some nurturing is my relationship to myself.
Like Wes, my body is showing the signs of a long burden. I am no longer overweight, but have slipped into obesity. I have lived with a feeling of constant shame and embarrassment because of my weight. Because I am also perverse, that shame drives me to seek solace in sugary, fatty foods...which of course, starts the whole shame cycle again. Enough.
Over the next few days and weeks, as we move to the final days of preparation, I want to look at all the structures and systems we are remaking in this effort to set ourselves free from the self-created and self chosen shackles we have created for ourselves. Oh my.
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